outside the blustery rain dies down for a bit, leaving just the swish of tires across the slick roads, then a few sudden flashes, a crack of thunder, hail starts pounding on the street, in the trees, against the house, at my windows. deafeningly loud for just a moment, it’s all i hear… then it all dies down, back to the silent night with the echo of tires and the occasional rumble in the distance.
it’s nights like these that the solitary nature of my life hits me full force. withdrawn from those both near and far, down in my hole, buried in books. worse, i should still be studying, not contemplating these things. but it’s been so long since i’ve written for myself. i’ve written plenty in the last year, could start a rag from the last week alone. contructing and deconstructing and analyzing until it’s anal. how many times can one use words like hegemon, development, comparative advantage and minimum efficient scale before they just get… old, cold. i feel… institutionalized. i need some creative adjectives and ridiculous prose…
don’t get me wrong, i love it, i really do. but it’s nights like these… i need something else. i need to not. i need, i need, i need. i need a positive sum interaction. mierda.
i need someone, who is far away, to give me a kiss
and tell me to keep studying for my test tomorrow.
which makes me wonder, what to do with someone so far away, if i can wait that long and still feel the same… if maybe i don’t need someone here, or if i shouldn’t just be there, if it’s really all that important. if there’s really anyone anywhere… if all this isn’t just a derailment into the lonely abyss, as i learn more and more the solitary arts of a solitary life, divorced of family, friends, lovers, all human contact…
tu me manque, amour, et je sais pas si je peut faire beaucoup plus de ça…
pas avec les nuits comme ça…
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